The Song of Artemis Fowl
by the Unrequited Lover
Summary: The first Artemis Fowl book, summarized in a poem er a series of limericks. Thank God Artemis doesn't read poetry or he'd probably die of embarassment.


_Disclaimer: I don't own Artemis Fowl, but if I did you would all hate me because I wouldn't share him.  
__Author's note: Yes, I know it's a stupid poem, and that it moves around a lot, and that 'Diggums' doesn't rhyme with 'scum', and that some of the events aren't exactly in chronological order, and that I left out some stuff. But deal with it. It was really hard to do and took me a long time. Plus, I don't usually write limericks._

He's a child of our time,  
This hero of mine  
And I've come now to tell you the tale  
He's smart for his age  
And his hobbies quite strange  
So odd you won't think that he's real

Just you think of the days  
When man believed in fays  
And you say, "Those days sure aren't now!"  
But don't tell me I'm wrong  
Until you've heard his song  
That's the song of Artemis Fowl

A boy still so young  
but so old in mind  
Really a precocious lad  
His father sailed on the _Star_  
and sailed a bit too far  
And it was goodbye to Artemis' dad

It was too much for Mum  
She was feeling too glum  
So she locked herself up and away  
But Artemis? He's smart  
And he knew in his heart  
That his Daddy would come back someday!

The Fowls'd been rich  
And life was a stitch  
But the family's fortune was done  
He said "Dad isn't here-  
He's in the Arctic Sphere  
And I'll get him when I have the funds."

But how to get cash  
In only a flash?  
Money doesn't grow on trees!  
No one else could agree  
But Artemis, he  
Thought he'd get the money with ease.

'Cos Fowl believed in elves  
On his bookshelves  
Were dozens and dozens of books  
And if faeries weren't real  
And their gold he couldn't steal-  
Well, it couldn't hurt to look.

He studied all the time  
Hoping to find  
A key to open that door  
He was only a kid  
But this child did  
Something unaccomplished before

He followed the clues  
And knew he couldn't lose  
He was quite a wonderful crook.  
He went to Vietnam  
And, quite calm  
Got a copy of the Fairy Book

Now, the book now with him  
Was not 'The Brother's Grimm'  
And it wasn't written by men  
It was written in a code  
Called Gnommish, I'm told  
And it was fairies that had held the pen

It had never been read  
By eyes in the head  
Of a human concocting a ploy  
It puts fairies to shame  
Just to think of his name  
Because he was a twelve-year-old boy!

He learned fairy lore  
And what they had in store  
Because magic for them was a breeze  
Odds against him were stacked  
Until he learned a fact:  
Acorns, not money, grew on trees

Every pixie knows  
That their power flows  
From the earth which gave birth to us all  
And for them to have might  
They'd have to, at night  
Complete the Ritual

Artemis' guard  
A man very -er- large  
Helped him catch a captive to trade:  
A fairy of sorts  
Called Captain Holly Short  
And she worked for the underground brigade

Despite her small height  
She could put up a fight;  
This elf was pretty upset  
She was from the LEP  
And Holly would be  
Hard to handle; he didn't' know that yet

He couldn't expect  
To get what he'd get  
Those LEP guys are unruly  
There's Commander Root  
Who can't fit in his suit  
And a paranoid centaur named Foaly

And there's Briar Cudgeon  
Whom we'd all like to bludgeon  
Because he's just backstabbing scum  
And, chewing dirt  
It's the guy who likes to flirt  
With Root; dwarf Mulch Diggums

Artemis had a plan  
To meet a small man-  
Commander Root came, less than calm  
He would blue-rinse the place  
But to his disgrace  
Artemis knew about the bio-bomb

He wasn't even fazed  
It was another phase  
In his plot; but they couldn't know  
The host gave Root the amount  
He wanted in his account  
A really really big bunch of gold

Then he looked in Root's eyes  
"As long as I'm alive,  
You can't come into this place."  
And the doctors knew later  
Artemis was a debater  
They could tell it was true from his face.

They knew it was cold  
But to get back the gold  
There was only one way to do it:  
The boy had to die  
A blue rinse would suffice  
And Root knew they would have to go through it

Not knowing about Root  
Holly found in her boot  
An acorn that she'd picked at the tree  
She buried it in the dirt  
And her magic returned  
She hypnotized Butler's sis and was free!

Meanwhile, Mulch had a look  
At what Artemis took  
And Holly knew why all had gone wrong  
The fairy book was found  
In a place safe and sound  
They'd been playing into his hands all along!

Later Mulch disappeared  
After Butler interfered  
And pretended his life was stubbed out  
Even Foaly was fooled  
Mulch then took some gold  
And he dug himself an escape route

Heads are gonna roll  
Cudgeon calls in a troll  
After Artemis the ransom demands  
Root thinks he's insane  
He's just being a pain  
And he's all of a sudden in command

Root put that guy out  
But, running about  
Is a creature that's really kinda scary  
It's big, it's tough  
It has sharp, pointy tusks  
And allover it's stinking and hairy

Butler, to save his sister  
And his charge, the young Mr  
Goes head to head with the beast  
Well, Arty is fine  
But the troll's outta line  
Butler's wounded and the troll's gonna feast

Holly opens her eyes  
To a thing so despised  
That it's spent its whole life in a cage  
She and it go head to head  
But she's practically dead,  
Killed by the thing in a rage

Her magic, uncontrolled,  
To Butler's arm flows  
And he jumps up as good as new  
It's near Juliet, to harm her  
So Butler straps on armour  
And gets himself armed for Round 2.

The guard won the wore  
He evened the score  
And even the fairies were struck dumb  
They sent the gold in  
Though they wanted to scold him  
They figured they'd get it after the bomb

Holly pleaded with Fowl  
To give it up now  
But he wouldn't part with what he stole  
Then he had second thoughts  
From Holly he bought  
A wish- and he paid with _some_ gold

Then he poured a drink  
Into each cup did sink  
Some sedative pills for to sleep  
After watching his friends fall  
Artemis worried about it all  
Then he himself took a drink

When Holly left, she begged  
"Please let them all live!"  
But they sighed and blue-rinsed the house  
No one could survive  
That time stop alive  
Not a bug, not a rat, not a mouse.

After that had all ended  
Holly and friends  
Tried to get back the gold from inside  
But only she could go!  
That means, you know-  
That Artemis Fowl was alive!

"How could he make it!"  
Holly couldn't take it  
The idea was truly insane  
The fairies went underground  
No answers were found  
And still, that fact remained.

Artemis & Co. awoke  
Butler wanted to choke  
His sneaky, diminuative client  
He had known how to escape  
The bomb- you had to sleep!  
He hadn't told them in case they wouldn't buy it.

Then with a pain  
In the back of his brain  
Artemis remembered Holly's glares-  
And would she keep her wish?  
He felt dumb as a dish-  
Till his mother came down the stairs.

She frowned at the dirty rug  
Then gave her son a hug  
And apologized for what she had done  
It was Christmas- December,  
And for once that he'd remembered,  
He felt like the child he was.

He'd have to hide all his plans  
Or Angeline'd have them banned  
But Artemis didn't think she would find.  
He'd be up to the task  
Anyone you could ask  
Would say he's a criminal mastermind!

Thus that story closed  
And Artemis chose  
Not to give up on his life of crime  
He'd have another plot  
To earn money, a lot  
But there wouldn't be fairies next time!

You miss him, I bet  
But don't cry yet  
This isn't really the end  
'Cos Artemis Fowl  
But his vampire smile  
Will be back to see you all again.


End file.
